Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.