dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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