yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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