i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk