i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
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i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk