dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.