Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
