I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
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