At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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