what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
we're making bets on your personal life
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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