mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
