I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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