I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
