Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
