I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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