If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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