hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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