where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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