I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
