they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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