I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
