Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
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