his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
