Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
is wine microwaveable?
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Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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