you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
ugly people sure do ruin things
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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