guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
