I wanna bring you to show and tell
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
