Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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