dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
