Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Randomize
