I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
