We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
