I need help removing her.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
