The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
