Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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