Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
