saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
