Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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