I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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