We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
