before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
