Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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