He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
