The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
