OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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