I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
