So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
