Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
