Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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