When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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