I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
