My liver just broke up with me...
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
