I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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