Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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