A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
