So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
