i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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