I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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