i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
