i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
