I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
3 2 1 whiskey
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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