I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
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